The Journey From Unconscious Scapegoat to Awakened Seer | When the Blindfold of the False Self Was Stripped Away | Part Four

In the last part of my story of becoming a Seer, it ended at the point where I found myself standing among the ruins of my life after experiencing an existential crisis.

A place where nothing felt real and I could no longer tell who I was or where I was going.

When later a mystery illness took hold and my body began to shut down, I felt myself slipping out of this world.

I was ready to let go.

What came next shattered every assumption I held about how life works.

It dismantled the person I thought I was and opened something within me that I never knew existed.

In Part Four, the story continues as I find myself suddenly outside the bounds of this reality.

Held by an Invisible Thread

After my daughter sprang into action, I found myself rushed to hospital by ambulance with suspected bacterial meningitis.

Once there, I lay limp on the hospital trolley, drenched in sweat and slipping in and out of delirium; the reality of how ill I was became very clear.

I was severely dehydrated and my temperature had risen to a dangerous 106, climbing steadily to 107 Fahrenheit. My head felt as though it was going to explode and I could not open my eyes.

The light felt like knives stabbing directly into them whenever I tried.

I could not see the faces of the medical team speaking above me. All I could hear were their voices. I had no idea what they looked like or even how many people were in the room, only that there were many of them.

Needles were pushed into my arms again and again as they struggled to draw blood. My body was beginning to shut down.

Swarms of staff moved around me, performing MRI and CAT scans, inserting numerous intravenous antibiotics, attaching monitors, and trying desperately to bring my temperature down.

The pain at the base of my skull was beyond anything I had ever felt. My body felt swollen, distorted, and unrecognisable, almost like John Hurt in The Elephant Man, as though it no longer belonged to me.

And still, somewhere above, I could feel myself hovering, shifting in and out of my body, held by the thinnest and most fragile thread of life. In that harsh hospital light, I finally understood how close I had come to never waking at all.

My body was shutting down faster than my mind could comprehend, and all I could do was lie there and let it happen.

Totally helpless to what was unfolding. I was fighting for my life, but it felt as though life itself was slipping away beneath my fingertips.

The Luminous Descent into All That Is

In the midst of this battle for my body, another part of me began drifting into a realm I had no language for. As I weakened and the fever grew higher, I felt another part of me awakened to something vast and unexplainable.

“Only when we are willing to be completely annihilated can we discover the indestructible.”- Pema Chödrön

In the midst of that excruciating pain, my mind drifted back to the moment I had reached out to my daughter with nothing but my thoughts.

I knew these things were said to exist. I had read about telepathy and psychic abilities, but never once had I believed that someone like me could do such a thing.

That belonged to the world of mystics, seers, and oracles, a hidden world most people never believed existed.

My mind could barely take in what had happened, that I had heard a voice from beyond, trusted it, acted on it, and watched it work.

It shattered everything I believed about myself and everything I thought I knew about this existence.

The possibility that we can communicate beyond the spoken word, and the weight of what that might mean, pulled me into a spiral of questions.

This was to become the second lesson in how powerful the mind truly is.

If such a thing was possible, then there had to be a force behind it, a source from which these abilities arise, and I had become a witness to it.

As my awareness stretched beyond the limits of ordinary reality I felt a loving, invisible presence begin to fill the room, and I knew it was reaching toward me.

Despite my broken and fevered state, something in me instinctively reached out and, to my surprise, it was there.

Alive.

Vast.

Familiar.

It felt as though it had always been with me and I had just simply forgotten it.

And as this presence wrapped itself around me, I felt myself look directly at the wreckage of my life and knew I no longer had the energy or the heart to keep fighting it.

I had been pushing that ancestral boulder uphill for as long as I could remember, trying to stop the so called curse from bleeding through the generations.

Yet no matter what I did, it returned.

Over and over again.

From my grandmother to my mother, from my mother to me, and from me to my daughter.

None of us had been able to break it.

And somehow, instinctively, I knew it was time to let go of the overwhelming weight I had carried for my entire life.

Let me be crystal clear here, so there is no misunderstanding of what was taking place inside me in that moment.

Wanting to let go of that boulder was not apathy, nor escape, nor a surrender to the idea that life was too hard.

It was not a feeling of failure, and it was not indifference.

It had settled into a deep, sacred acceptance that this was how life had unfolded for me, and that my time in this existence might now be complete.

So I let go.

Into the depths of this all encompassing peace.

I surrendered myself fully.

And in doing so, I felt a profound longing rise from deep within me to merge with this invisible force surrounding me. There was an undeniable calling to let myself be held by it, to place my total trust in it and allow it to carry me wherever it chose.

In that moment, I let the Great Spirit have me entirely.

Completely allowing my will to dissolve into Divine Will.

I just let go.

I stopped trying to control life and allowed myself to be carried into whatever awaited me next on my journey.

Drifting Beyond Form

As I surrendered, something began to unfold that belonged to somewhere else beyond this world. I felt myself dissolving, slipping inward, melting, and as this happened, it was as though I passed down through the hospital bed as if it were no longer solid.

I went downwards, sinking deeper and deeper, fragmenting into something weightless.

I entered a darkness that was vast and alive with presence.

Yet it was not frightening.

It was a darkness infused with a beautiful, luminous sparkly glow.

Here, in this place, both qualities seem to exist at once.

I floated in this luminous dark as though suspended in a warm bath or cocoon.

No body.

No pain.

Only a razor sharp awareness.

I sensed I had become pure consciousness itself, whole and unbound, existing beyond the body and beyond the physical world.

As this shift unfolded, a feeling of complete freedom rushed in. I could sense my spirit had separated from my body and from the identity I had always believed myself to be.

In that freedom, I felt a doorway open, and I knew I was crossing a threshold.

As I floated through it, total unconditional love rose up to meet me and wrapped itself all around me.

I felt this divine presence had been waiting for me all along.

The freedom and expansiveness were unlike anything I could describe. I sensed there was no longer any separation between me and the space around me; it was a place without boundaries or limits.

Everything was pure love and connectedness, a love so deep and permeating that even now, as I write these words, it brings tears to my eyes with the emotions it stirs within me. They are the kind of tears that come from being held in a love so unconditional that it cracks you open from the inside out and settles into your very bones.

It was, without question, the most beautiful and spiritually defining experience of my entire existence. I felt no fear, only a profound sense of coming home and belonging within every particle of my being.

In that infinite expanse, I became more and more aware of the loving presence with me. I could hear it speaking, not in words, not as something separate, but through pure knowing, which is the closest way I can describe it.

It was inside my mind and everywhere around me at once, yet it was not my voice, although I understood every part of it with absolute clarity.

I felt the deepest belonging.

Like a child who had come home.

Loved beyond measure.

In a place where everything was ordered and of a highly intelligent design.

I dissolved further into this soft and velvety energy, two consciousnesses with no boundary between them, no separation, enveloped in exquisite love.

And in that merging, I felt myself carried into a state that had no beginning and no end.

The View from Beyond the Veil

You may be asking yourself at this point in my story whether this was some kind of illusion, perhaps a dream state brought on by the fever, or even my imagination.

I understand why you might wonder this.

Yet there is no doubt in my mind that I was fully there in that place. It is hard to describe how real it was. Words simply cannot do it justice.

It is like me asking you if you are truly where you are as you read this.

You just know.

So did I.

It felt as though that realm was the true reality and my earthly life was just somewhere I had been visiting.

This experience was nothing like the states one might reach in meditation, where you briefly touch the edges of a fleeting moment of union with the Divine.

I was there, tangibly, vividly, unmistakably. As real as the chair I sit on now as I type these words.

My awareness was sharp, heightened, and utterly present.

It was a state of complete consciousness without form.

Expanded.

Unbound.

Only pure mind.

I was conscious of everything around me but somehow entirely released from the confines of the body that had once contained me.

The closest comparison I can offer to you, if it helps to explain it, is the strange clarity some people feel during sleep paralysis; when the mind is fully awake and conscious but the body remains asleep.

Yet even that is only a faint reflection of the clarity and intensity of the state I found myself in.

This divine consciousness was everywhere, in every particle and every fibre of that space.

It was the very fabric of the realm itself.

And the love… it poured through me in waves, like an electrical pulse.

Unconditional.

Pure.

Absolute.

It knew every part of me, even the parts I hid, even the parts I hated, and it loved me entirely, just as I was.

As I continued to float in that luminous darkness; everything fell away.

Identity.

Pain.

History.

Story.

All of it dissolved, and I knew I was held by something so vast and loving that every limitation I had carried simply disappeared and I felt myself open even further, more expansive, more free.

In this place, I was beginning to understand that I was far more than I had ever imagined while walking the earth.

The potential within my soul astonished me.

In that vastness, I finally saw the self I had been blind to all along.

The Thread Beneath All Life

And then a question moved through me with absolute precision.

The divine presence asked me, mind to mind, what I thought of my life.

From that vantage point, everything made perfect sense. Every hardship, every fracture, every devastation was part of a larger weaving.

There was no shame.

No fear.

No judgement.

Only a deep reverence for all that had unfolded within my life.

I saw a sparkling thread connecting every moment and every relationship I had ever had.

I saw how I had been striving, pushing, forcing, trying to fix or control life out of fear or longing for it to be different, and yet everything had still unfolded exactly as it needed to.

With this new clarity, I realised I had not messed up. I was not cursed. That distorted old belief fell away as I understood I was so much more than I had ever believed myself to be.

The beauty and grace of the Divine ran through everything, even through those who could no longer recognise or accept it.

And it was not unique to me. I saw that every soul holds this very same potential.

One luminous thread links us all, a force running through everything. It is our essence, and there is nowhere that it does not reach.

As my awareness turned toward my life again, my heart swelled with love.

Love for everyone I had ever met, for every experience I had walked through, even the painful ones, even the most difficult people. All of it was seen through the eyes of love.

From this expanded knowing, I could see the sanctity of all life and all relationships; I now felt a profound gratitude for everything that had gone before.

“All experience is for the building of the individual mind.”— Dion Fortune

From this space where everything was understood.

I saw the extraordinary strengths my soul had cultivated because of those experiences.

I saw the version of myself living that life, trying her very best, often believing she was getting it wrong, yet showing remarkable courage and tenacity.

She kept picking herself up again and again, no matter the cost, carried forward by this invisible thread she somehow knew was there but could not see.

And in that moment, I loved her with a depth I had never been able to feel while living inside her skin, seeing her as if for the first time with new and awakened eyes.

And she was bloody marvellous.

The Choice Between Realms

Again the presence spoke to me, and something shifted as a question was asked.

Now that you see through the illusion of who you thought you were, what do you want to do now?

Do you want to go back and inhabit that life again?

In the silence that followed this, I understood with perfect clarity that this was not an abstract question for me to ponder on.

This was the decision itself.

I knew that if I moved further into this vast, loving realm, there would be no coming back.

I stood at the most profound crossroads of my existence, choosing between returning to life or surrendering this incarnation forever.

I was torn.

I wanted to stay in that realm of such deep love forever.

I knew it was my true home.

But when my awareness turned back to the life I had just left, something ignited within me. A spark. A pull and a longing toward the journey I had not yet finished.

Back toward the soul who had been Caroline.

I did not want to leave that place of exquisite wholeness, where everything made sense, where I felt complete and truly loved, just as I was.

In that realm, every illusion I had carried about myself had fallen away, and what remained was my true essence, the I AM.

Here, I felt my entire being radiate and shimmer with the love of the Divine.

Yet the desire to return was strong within me, and in the end, I guess, it won through.

The moment that longing to return welled up within me, I felt myself instantly drawn back without a moment’s notice, toward my body, pulled down into density, back into matter, back into my earthly existence.

In what felt like an instant, I was back.

Back in the hospital bed.

Back in my body.

Back in the weight of this reality.

Back in the dimmer, heavier world.

I opened my eyes for the first time in weeks.

The light of this world felt harsh and washed out; cold like a faded cine film, compared with the brilliance of the luminous realm I had just left.

As I lay there, caught between the weight of my body and the shock of returning, I realised I had come back to a life that would never again be the same.

I wondered if this was what it felt like for a baby when it is first born into this world.

I had come back, but I was no longer the person who had left.

And although a part of me longed to be held by that loving presence again, I knew I would carry a spark of that love within me forever more.

At the Threshold of Two Worlds

What happened next in my journey was unlike anything I had ever encountered whilst previously inhabiting my body, and it marked the beginning of a revelation I could never have imagined.

As I lay there trying to get my bearings, something astonishing began to unfold before me, something that would stay with me for the rest of my life and alter my path forever, even to this day.

As I struggled to see again in the harsh light of the hospital room, the space around me began to fill with mist.

From within that mist, shapes began to gather themselves into form.

I could see Spirit people.

They moved gently out of this fog like substance, gathering around the dying from the hospital wards, welcoming them home with profound love.

I saw spirit adults, children, and even animals among them, all moving with the same unmistakable tenderness and purpose.

The dying were radiant with joy as they recognised these beings, embraced by the same force I had just experienced in the luminous darkness, reunited with their loved ones and taken home.

I watched in awe as they moved through the concrete walls as if the walls were not there at all.

But as I came more fully back into my body, the sight of two realms existing before my eyes at the same time sent a shock through my entire system.

My understanding of this reality shattered in an instant.

“If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is, infinite.”-William Blake

I closed my eyes.

They were still there.

This was the moment I realised that the boundary between life and death, between the seen and the unseen, was far thinner than I could ever have imagined.

When the Mind Bends Reality

When I realised I could not turn away or stop seeing this scene unfold before me, a subtle dimming of the light in the room caught my attention.

The human part of me began to panic, the same panic I had known as a child when my sensitivity became overloaded and I did not feel safe.

Repeatedly blinking, I realised I could see the spirits whether my eyes were open or shut, and as fear rose, the scene seemed to drift further into the distance, and the connection to the luminous plane began to dim and fade.

As it dimmed, the fear in me rose even more, and the room reacted to it.

I could feel it shift around me, almost syncing with the state of my mind.

That was the moment I sensed something else beginning to take form. And I knew I was about to understand something at an even more profound level.

As the atmosphere steadied, the mist thinned and the space around me shifted again.

The room settled, but it was not the same room I had known before. Everything felt subtly altered, as though reality had rearranged itself in response to the state of my mind.

Then the realisation came.

I was beginning to understand that the world I was seeing was responding to me.

My thoughts, my emotions, my mind, all of it seemed to form a bridge to the dimension that appeared next, as though reality itself was showing me that the unseen responds to the mind with absolute precision.

“The only real prison is fear, and the only real freedom is freedom from fear.”- Aung San Suu Kyi

And in that moment, I understood that this was the third lesson I was to receive about the power of the mind.

I would come to learn that it is far more powerful than I had ever been taught to believe, and that no one teaches you this stuff at school.

Whatever we resonate with on the inside is what meets us from the invisible realms.

As I was to discover later, this was the great hermetic teaching that underlies all that operates within this world and beyond it: the Microcosm reflects the Macrocosm and vice versa.

“As above, so below. As within, so without.”

This insight was only the beginning of what I would come to understand next.

As the mist cleared completely, something else began to form in the space before me, something that would challenge every remaining assumption I held about life, death, consciousness, and the nature of being.

What I saw next is something I will speak about in the following chapter because it marked the true breaking open of my understanding of reality; and nothing in my life would ever be the same again.

Because in crossing that threshold, once blind, I had moved through death itself and returned reborn.

I could now see myself clearly, and the truth of the world around me, through newly awakened, unclouded eyes.

Coming Next in Part Five: Finding Meaning in the Aftermath

What happened to me during that experience defied any logical or rational explanation.

It demanded a truth that I could barely get my head around.

How do you make sense of something like this?

How do you explain it, first to yourself and then to others, especially as talking about matters of this nature will have most people recoil in horror or disbelief, and run for the hills?

All the while, the world around you begins to feel subtly unreal, as though the ordinary has loosened its grip and nothing is fully anchored anymore.

And you convince yourself that perhaps you have lost your mind, or stepped across a boundary from which you may never return.

In Part Five of The Journey from Unconscious Scapegoat to Awakened Seer, I continue unfolding what came next as I lay in that hospital bed, a place where I was still suspended between two worlds and just on the brink of another liminal experience that would stretch my limits once again.

I also explore the struggles and trials of trying to return to a normal life within a landscape of perception that had been so profoundly altered.

Have you ever felt the world slipping beneath your feet, trying to act normal while sensing there is more to this existence than you have been told?

If so, Part Five of The Journey from Unconscious Scapegoat to Awakened Seer is not to be missed.

Join me in the next chapter of my journey.

See you there!